TORONTO – The Colbert Report put us hosers on notice Monday night.
On the Canadian premiere of The Colbert Report on CTV and The Comedy Network, host Stephen Colbert took on two-dollar coins, the softwood lumber dispute, Prime Minister Paul Martin, Canadian beer, gun-related crime and the cross-border drug trade – all within 3 minutes and 23 seconds – in his signature segment "The Word."
Describing Canada as America’s "pale sister to the North," Colbert gave a sly shout-out to his Canadian fans by noting that "by watching this show, you’re a country that gets it," recounts Tuesday’s CTV press release.
Colbert also noted that Canada "generously allowed half of your gun-related crimes to be committed with American guns" and was shocked when Prime Minister Paul Martin "flew off the handle" when commenting on the softwood lumber dispute. The full silly transcript is below.
The Colbert Report, which is a spinoff of The Daily Show and airs right after it, retained 98% of The Daily Show audience on The Comedy Network with 174,000 viewers (2+, Nielsen). On CTV, The Colbert Report attracted 166,000 viewers (2+, BBM), an increase of 43% compared to the timeslot average.
TRANSCRIPT:
Tonight’s "Word" is Hoser.
This evening The Colbert Report debuts in Canada, our pale sister to the North (Written on Screen: Why Can’t She Find a Guy?). Congratulations Canada! And to those of you who don’t live in Toronto, Montreal or Vancouver, this is called a television (On Screen: TeeVee). It makes words and images fly through the air (On Screen: Like Your Geese).
Let me begin by properly introducing myself in your two national languages. I am Stephen Colbert (On Screen: Je m’appell Étienne Colbért). I have balls (On Screen: J’ai les grands testicules). If you’re lucky, they might just rub off on you. (On Screen: Bonne Chance!) By watching this show, you’ve proved that you are a country that gets it (On Screen: It=Me). 
Now, I’ve had my problems with Canada in the past. (On Screen: Two Dollar Coin?!) I’ve put every part of Canada on notice except Nunavut (On Screen: Cool Name). And I’ve had good reason. Canada’s soft wood subsidies are crippling the American lumber industry. (On Screen: You’ve Got Wood?) And recently, your Prime Minister lashed out at America’s failure to pay timber tariffs saying… and I can’t believe he flew off the handle like this!…quote:
Paul Martin
"Forgive my sudden departure from the language of diplomacy but this is nonsense." Economic Club of NY, October 6, 2005
Thank God you people don’t have the bomb! (On Screen: You Don’t, Do You?)
But, you know, when I heard that Canada picked up The Report, I felt it was time to reconsider my Molson embargo (On Screen: Skunky). I found out you’re not so bad (On Screen: Better Than France). After all, you’ve generously allowed half of your gun-related crimes to be committed with American guns.
Bravo! (Bullet Point) That takes guts! Our guns shoot real good. So, I made a good will gesture to your nation and sent Daniel, a Colbert Report researcher, to Vancouver to get a Canadian citizenship (On Screen: Daniel shaking hands with an official). Here he is with what looks like a security guard but, evidently is someone important in Canada. Now our countries are forever intertwined.
Now, come out here Daniel. How’d it go up there? Now give it up, he’s a Canadian citizen now (audience applauds). So…how’d it go?
Daniel: Great. Everyone was really nice.
Stephen: Yeah, yeah, they are. So um, do you have the bag? May I see it please? Okay, thank you. Let’s see…We got the Codine. We got the Vicodin…that is yummy…and the Tamiflu, just in case. Where is the OxyContin?
Daniel: They wouldn’t give it to me. Sorry.
Stephen: You’re kidding! Jesus, I’m shaking! God, is it cold in here?! I’m burning up! Oh God! Canada, you’re back on notice you hosers! And that’s "The Word". We’ll be right back!
